jenny b

With my Fellowship officially ending in a mere 27 days (and my Udaipur departure set for only 21) I find myself in complete awe that it’s already time for the countdown and wrap-up. Time, or my perception of it anyway, is such a funny thing. In some ways my response to this imminent reality is one of shock and scramble – the “but wait! so many things I wanted to do,” “how could it really be, didn’t I just get here?” kind of feeling. On the other hand, I feel like I’ve been here for ages and can hardly stand the anticipation of hugging my dog, of being home again.

That elusive time has been particularly cruel these last two months; having come to a screeching halt with the onset of pre-monsoon, dry as a bone, oppressive summer heat that ranges from daily temperatures of 100 – 115, with nights never dipping below 80. I would really love to report that I have handled this shift in climate with grace and ease, but alas. I have withered. I have suffered. And yes, dare I say, I have bitched and moaned.

In the last few weeks I think I have finally begun to adjust. I’m forcing myself out for walks during the day and have once again taken up the healing, grounding practice of regular yoga. I still seem to only have about 4 hours max of real productivity a day, but at least I’m no longer collapsing into my bed in the late-afternoon only to fitfully and sweatily sleep until the sun sets. And at least I have the solidarity of my co-workers who, looking as drained as I feel, tell me the temperatures this year are, again, the hottest (and earliest) on record.

This realization of my time here coming to an end has nudged me to consciously begin processing this experience (or rather, months of experiences). My posts for the most part have left out any pontifications on what India is like or personal impressions on what defines the culture in parts or as a whole – other than it is generally complex, dynamic, and kaleidoscopic. And it’s not that I haven’t been asked “what do you think about India?” or “what is it like?” – many people have. The trouble has been that for the most part I have felt completely unable to adequately answer. And the truth is that I have spent the majority of my time here in observation mode, unwilling and unable to communicate much of what I experience. Also, I live here, so as exotic as India is compared to my home in the US, much of it has just become my life. (And I did live for a year in Thailand a few years ago, which along with traveling in Burma, really did prepare me for living in a place like this). A good friend recently validated this reaction to India, quoting an Italian correspondent who once wrote, “After a day in India, you feel ready to write a book about it. After a month you think you want to write an article, after a year you don’t feel like you can write anything”. Amen.

After a certain period of time things just become too normal to seem significant or interesting. Things get taken for granted. I now hardly bat an eye when I see a wobbly motorcycle zooming by with two large frightened goats awkwardly saddled between two grown men; when I see man after man relieving a full bladder along the side of the road; when a mob of dirty, desperate looking children beg me for “one rupee” or some food for their hungry bellies; when a beautiful women, wearing the always elegant sari glides past me with her many bangles and silver anklets ringing the tune of her stride; or when a loud, dancing procession of celebrants move along the road, showing support and excitement for the royally-dressed, horse-carried groom on his way to fetch his bride for just one of the many nights of their wedding ceremony. By now, I have to stop and remind myself to appreciate the many sights and sounds of this crazy place called India.

India can be pretty intense, especially for a woman alone, but not perhaps as much or obviously so as I might have expected. I have not yet determined how to reconcile a culture of such extremes: it is desperate, tragic, gut-wrenching and uncomfortable while at the same time magnificently beautiful, charismatic, charming and kind.

There are plenty of cultural traits that drive me batty (for example the complete lack of regard for a queue but utmost respect paid to hierarchy; long, blank-faced stares that do not react to a friendly smile; and loud cell-phone produced music played with complete disregard and in inappropriate places). Those things are always balanced by the many charms and wonders of this place (like the fact that I can pull up to any mechanic and get my bike fixed in a matter of minutes, for a few bucks at most; no matter where you show up, no matter the hour, you will be offered a chai and will genuinely disappoint the host if you decline; and in India, anything is possible – perhaps the infamous head wobble is really about a refusal to say a definitive no). It can actually be pretty hard to keep my head on straight in this place and I’m sometimes left feeling overwhelmed and exhausted trying to make sense of it.

On the other hand, I have a very easy life here: a cozy apartment with three other westerners, within short walking distance of my office. I truly enjoy my work and the wonderful people I work with – many of whom have excellent English skills, so our communication is easy. I have a motorcycle and can easily (and happily) get around when and where I want. And Udaipur is all-in-all a pretty easy place to be – it’s beautiful and well accustomed to tourists (which is both a blessing and a curse).

Overall, I’ve experienced a really wonderful place, with beautiful and hospitable people. Plenty of people are interested in getting to know you, in helping you. Mostly I have encountered very kind, generous people in my travels around the country and here in Rajasthan. I’ve made some really wonderful friends here, some I’m sure will be lifetime. And so much color and culture! Makes your head spin. Seems as though there is always a festival or party happening (which here in Udaipur usually comes with ‘Forth of July’-worthy fireworks) – weddings are a trip and holidays are always a huge, colorful event. Anything goes in India, which can be quite frustrating but also really fantastic (when it goes your way, of course). Truly a land of extremes.

I don’t know what I expected. I consciously tried to not expect anything but did know that it would be a mind-fuck. It is. I’m having a really fantastic time, mostly. Though, I did recently have my first little breakdown – 8 1/2 months in, not bad – where I felt really over it all, ready to go home. (The story will be told, in time). Fortunately, I quickly recovered and am back to feeling grateful for the experience and looking forward to the next few months. I’m eager to finish up my work here with Seva Mandir and then travel with Brian in Kashmir and Ladakh before returning stateside at the end of July. I have a lot I want to do here before I go, and many more stories that have not been told, pictures that have not yet been shared. That process will likely extend into my return trip home, as the ultimate processing of this year certainly will. Actually, I expect that will take a long, long time.

Thanks for being here for the ride; it’s been really great to know that you’re there listening and eagerly awaiting more. Many of you I wouldn’t be here without – you know who you are. I hope you also know how much I appreciate this opportunity and you. Thank you and I love you!